Redneck Christmas Tree

[Shirley]

At this time of the year I just love trying to find all the Redneck Christmas stuff.

http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/mm156/calatat05_2008/clip_image010.jpg

[Shirley]

http://www.onefunsite.com/images/rednecklights.jpg

[Buddlite]

Nice

[Fundytrail]

Just finished putting up my Christmas decorations ;)

http://inlinethumb06.webshots.com/517/2739735200102049000S500x500Q85.jpg (http://good-times.webshots.com/photo/2739735200102049000KdOyig)

[Shirley]

The Night Before a Redneck Christmas

It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.

The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.


And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.


Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.


I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.


The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.


And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!


Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:


"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"


"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"


You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?


That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.


Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.


I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!


He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.


Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.


When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!


I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.


He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.


He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.


But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

[web4dale]

thanks - those are great...

[Shirley]

A Redneck Christmas Carol

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!

[Shirley]

White Trash Christmas

http://andycouch.com/whitetrashxmas/

[Shirley]

This is a new one. Are it is to me.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/351012

[Shirley]

I think I have to much time on my hands!!!

http://www.ez-tracks.com/showArtists-OrigArtist-Slidawg%20And%20The%20Redneck%20Ramblers.html

[DCNascarFan]

Old, but good...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqmZjukVbso

[readytorace2]

Those are neat Shirley

[Shirley]

Old, but good...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqmZjukVbso


I have never seen that one. Cool!!

[Shirley]

http://dedicated.goofball.com/goofball/pictures/photos/images/RedneckDecorations.jpg

[DCNascarFan]

I have never seen that one. Cool!!

Is it just me, or does anyone else think Jeff Burton appears to be way too happy singing (compared to everyone else)?!?!