Jokes

[Shirley]

I run across some new ones that I thought that I would share:

Top Ten signs you're at a NASCAR fan's funeral
10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM Goodwrench paint scheme
9. The deceased is referred to as being "out of provisionals"
8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch
7. "Amazing Grace" is performed by a 9-year-old girl from Bristol, Tennessee
6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession
5. Hearse referred to as the pace car
4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
2. First time mourners have an orange stripe on the trunk of their car

and the number one sign you're at a NASCAR funeral:
1. No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel

[Shirley]

I knew I had become a Stock Car Fan when...
...Tailgating became "drafting"
...I started calling slower cars "lap traffic"
...I started lightly tapping the cars bumper in front of me when I wanted to pass
...I started signaling the cars behind me to pass (they probably thought I was "flipping em off")
...I began timing my fuel stops
...I started calling every curvy road in my neighborhood " Glen"
...I found myself pausing after the traffic light turned green to get a better "restart" than the car behind me
...I miss a gear, it reminds me of Pocono
...I began hoping the car in front of me, would "go high" on "clover leaf" exits
and finally, ...I found myself cleaning "marbles" off my tires when I went slow

[Shirley]

TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING

10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.
And the number one Law of Auto Racing is....
A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

[Shirley]

Top 10 signs you are gonna have a bad race

10. You noticed Jimmy Spencer adding your car number to the ever growing list on his dash board.
9. You just knew you didn't need that night of drinking and bowling with Mr. Trickle. (This one only applies to those that know the easy going life style of Dick Trickle)
8. Earnhardt locked you and the 40 other drivers in the drivers meeting room just so he would have a chance to win again.
7. You are seriously thinking of taking Rusty's advise.
6. You drive a Chevy and its not for Hendrick Motorsports.
5. You just passed your right front tire going into turn 3.
4. You had a strength competition with Mark Martin and in the drama of it all Mark threw your car into Lake Lloyd.
3. NASCAR got a little mad when you asked for a different restrictor plate.
2. You drive for a beer or tobacco so to limit your TV time NASCAR is putting a restrictor plate on you car for the short tracks too.

And the number 1 way to tell you are gonna have a bad race...
1. You Noticed Gary Nelson having his morning coffee with your motor.

[Shirley]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR RACING SEASON SHOULD BE COMING TO A CLOSE

10. You find yourself drafting highway patrol cars
9. You get a tingling sensation every time you hear a wet hacking cough like Dick Trickle's
8. Your daughter attends the prom in a gown your wife sewed together from your old Earnhardt T-shirts
7. You named the twins born during the Daytona 500, Maybeline and Valvoline
6. On weekends without a race you get ripped and cheer freeway traffic from the roof of a parked school bus
5. You fake your own death to get the minister off your back about missing church every Sunday during race season
4. During the last lap at Atlanta you get so mad you pound your way through your rec. room wall onto your front lawn
3. You fantasize about renting a Pocono honeymoon suite for you and Todd Bodine, hoping your wife will understand
2. Sex is lasting about as long as a Goodwrench pitstop

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR RACING SEASON SHOULD COME TO A CLOSE:
1. You decide to crank a round of wedge into the neighbor lady since you heard she was getting loose

[Shirley]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR

10. Damned lugnut jewelry left nasty bruises when line dancing
9. Got you out of bed every morning using heavy duty floor jack
8. The "move over" flag at your local track looked suspiciously like the nightie you gave her last Christmas
7. Always "impounded" your underwear for inspection when you returned from a "night out with the boys"
6. Still complaining about you jumping the start and her always recording a DNF
5. Put a restrictor plate on your stereo volume knob
4. Attached a bitchin' spoiler to the Kirby
3. Chugged a six pack of Red Dog, smoked a pack of Camels and washed your Hooters t-shirts in all temperature Tide
2. Kids attended Easter service dressed as the Goodwrench pit crew
AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR:
1. Kept giving you the black flag in bed for using "leaky equipment"

[Shirley]

TOP 10 LEAST POPULAR WINSTON CUP EVENTS

10. The Stained Hanes 500
9. Pepto Bismol Goodretch 250
8. The all virgin- First Union 500
7. The Dover "falling" Downs and I can't get up, 911
6. Spam's Cholesterol Classic
5. Goody's "Not Tonite, I've Got A Headache" Powders 400
4. Slim Fast's- Cellulite At The Glen
3. Kevorkian's Diehard 200
2. Slick Willie's, Slick 50 endurance run to Levenwoth
AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR WINSTON CUP EVENT:
1. "Pricks in the Desert"- The Phoenix Cactus Classic

[Shirley]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID'S WATCHED TOO MUCH RACING:
10. Begs you to sing him to sleep with the Penzoil theme
9. Afraid to go to sleep for fear Jr. Johnson is hiding under his bed
8. He's always asking the neighbor lady if she'd like a "high speed rear end lube"
7. Goes trick or treating dressed as Morgan Shepherd
6. Teachers find it difficult to correct his counting practice of-1,2, 3 YOU BASTARD! 4,5,6,7,8,9,10
5. Explains "F" on report card as "just one a them flunky deal,we'll get 'em next quarter"
4. Prefers Slick 50 on his Wheaties instead of milk
3. Says Speedy Dry works just as good on the bed wetting problem as it does on oil
2. When sleep walking acts so much like Sterling Marlin it's spooky

AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOUR KID WATCHES TOO MUCH RACING:
1. Stands up in church about race time and yells " Yikes it's pea soup time I'm gettin' possessed!"

[Shirley]

The world's biggest NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. When he arrived he found himself the best seat at the most fabulous track he'd ever seen. There he saw Alan Kulwicki and Davey Allison racin' side by side in 1 & 2. Down in 3 & 4 he saw Tim Richmond and Neil Bonnett doin' the same, when all of the sudden the rainbow colored #24 streaked by. 'OH NO!' exclaimed the man, when did this happen? St. Peter replied, 'Don't worry, that's God's car, he just loans it to Jeff Gordon on the weekends!'

[Shirley]

Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt were driving around a small country town when Jeff accidentally hit and killed a goat. Well, Dale made him go up to the farm house and apologize. They drove up to the farm, Jeff got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When Jeff came out, Dale was confused about why he had been in there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me some milk, then his wife brought me some cookies." explained Jeff. "What did you tell the farmer?" Dale asked. Number 24 replied, "I told him I was driving around with Dale Earnhardt and I'd just killed the old goat."

[Shirley]

Todd Bodine and Jeff Gordon are driving through town when they come to a red light. Todd floors it. Jeff says, "What are you doing? You're gonna get us killed." Todd says, "It's okay. My brother drives like this." They come to another red light, and he floors it again. Jeff says, "You're gonna kill us, if you keep doing that." Todd replies " Don't Worry, My Brother drives like this.". Then they come to a green light, and Todd slams on the brakes. Jeff says, "What are you doing?!?!!!!" Todd replies, "My brother might be coming the other way!"

[Shirley]

If Robert Pressley, John Andretti and Geoff Bodine were in a boat and the Boat Sinks, Who Would be saved?

Half the cars in Sundays Race.

[Shirley]

Farmer Benny Parsons Benny decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Benny. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Benny responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Benny said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Benny's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Benny thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi- truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[Shirley]

A NASCAR fan was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the NASCAR fan for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The fan thought for a while and finally said, "I'd like to go to the Japan race. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Japan. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The NASCAR fan thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand all the rules and regulations of NASCAR. The genie considers his request for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[Shirley]

I had an experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went on my first racing outing. Everything was going fine until the car starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown into the wall. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the gas pedal. The car went out of control, I could not get to the brake, in the grass, up in the wall back down across the track, the car did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.

[Shirley]

The world's biggest NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. When he arrived he found himself the best seat at the most fabulous track he'd ever seen. There he saw Alan Kulwicki and Davey Allison racin'
side by side in 1&2. Down in 3&4 he saw Tim Richmond and Neil Bonnett doin' the same, when all of the sudden the rainbow colored #24 streaked by. 'OH NO!' exclaimed the man, when did this happen?
St. Peter replied, 'don't worry, that's God, he just likes to think he's Jeff Gordon!'
Then the yellow #23 Camel Ford came flying by and tapped the left rear quarter panel of God's car spinning him out in a cloud of smoke. "What was that!!!" exclaimed the man... "Oh", said St. Peter, "that was the Devil... he likes to think he's Jimmy Spencer..."

[Shirley]

"Die" hard fan....
It's the Super Bowl of Motorsports, I go to my seat, Way up top of the Winston Tower.
There is a lone gentleman sitting one seat away with and empy seat in between. The race is well underway, and I comment to the gentlemen in regards to this empy seat, "imagine
missing a Race like this, and how much they may have paid for that unused ticket". He
explained that was his wife of 30 years seat, and that she had passed away. I, of coarse, felt
terrible, gave my condolences and asked him why he did not give it to a friend or family
member, he said "There all at her funeral"

[Shirley]

Martin is out jogging. He slips on a damp bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river. Three kids see it happen. They jump in and save him. When he comes to, he says, "Boys, you saved Mark Martin. You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first kid says, "I'd like a ticket to Disneyland." Martin says, "I'll take care of it personally." The second boy says, "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbo's." Martin says, "I'll buy them myself and give them to you." The third kid says, "I'd like a wheelchair with a built-in stereo." Martin says, "I'll personally ... Wait a second, you're not handicapped." The kid says, "I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

[Shirley]

Three drivers flew to the race in Dover. The plane crashed, all three died.
All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God wanted to know three things:
Who are you? What did you do? and What did people think of you?
The first person, Dale Jarrett, said. I was the top 5 in the points championship. I won several races and many Ford Fans think I am great. God said, #88, stand to my right.
The next person, Mark Martin said, "I was also in the top 5 in points also. I am very consistent and respectable. Many of the NASCAR fans think I am great". God said, #6 stand on my left side.
The third person stood before God and said, I am Jeff Gordon. I have won the 2 cup championships, I won 10 races this season, the WINSTON Million, I am the youngest driver to accomplish so much so fast and many people think you are sitting in my chair.

[Shirley]

Mark Martin was sitting in a bar having a drink. Jeff Gordon walks up behind him, and smacks him on the back of Mark's head.....knocking him to the floor. As Mark is getting up, jeff says "Judo chop from Japan." Mark goes back to his drink, and jeff sits down beside him. After a few minutes, jeff gets up, and kicks the stool out from under Mark. As Mark is dusting himself off, jeff says "Karate kick from Korea." Mark Martin decides he's had enough, and leaves the bar.

A short time later, Mark returns, slams jeffy across the back of his skull, knocking him completely unconcious. Mark turns to the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him 'Crowbar From Sears'."

[Shirley]

This guy's in a bar, & sees that the barkeep has this dog, who's wearing a Jr. sweater.
Well, the race comes on, & a few laps in, ol' Junior gets into the top 20. You can see the dog's just riveted to the set, wagging his tail.
A bit later, Jr moves into the top 15. Now the dog's on his feet, prancing around a bit.
A bit later still, Jr gets into the top 10. Now our furry friend is really getting excited, dancing around, letting out little woofs.
End of the race comes, Junior finishes third. The dog is going absolutely berzerk, jumping, barking, etc.
The guy says to the barkeep "Wow! that dog of yours is quite the Junior fan. What's he do if Junior actually wins?"
"I dunno", replied the barkeep. "I've only had him a year & a half."

To all Jr fans: Not a slam, just meant in good fun.

[Bignascarfan]

ouch.........lol

[upsjed]

This guy's in a bar, & sees that the barkeep has this dog, who's wearing a Jr. sweater.
Well, the race comes on, & a few laps in, ol' Junior gets into the top 20. You can see the dog's just riveted to the set, wagging his tail.
A bit later, Jr moves into the top 15. Now the dog's on his feet, prancing around a bit.
A bit later still, Jr gets into the top 10. Now our furry friend is really getting excited, dancing around, letting out little woofs.
End of the race comes, Junior finishes third. The dog is going absolutely berzerk, jumping, barking, etc.
The guy says to the barkeep "Wow! that dog of yours is quite the Junior fan. What's he do if Junior actually wins?"
"I dunno", replied the barkeep. "I've only had him a year & a half."

To all Jr fans: Not a slam, just meant in good fun.

now that's funny right there!